last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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