I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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