omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
