i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
