That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
