sorry about calling you the devil all night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
