the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize