I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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