my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
