he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
