I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
