Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
