I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
and she was petting her beer can
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
