Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
meet me or not, i'm out of control
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
