I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
