he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
