I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
