I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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