I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
