A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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