I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
