What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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