Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
