I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
