I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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