Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
