After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
