don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
