I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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