when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
