i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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