what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
