Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
