your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
