she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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