her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
