she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
