somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
