marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
