you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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