i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize