it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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