If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
