party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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