So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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