Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You may now shotgun with the bride
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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