Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
