I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The best revenge is premature balding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
