Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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