It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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