turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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