you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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