I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize