nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
