Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
