my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
