I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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