I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
