remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
