I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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