THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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