I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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