so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I touched a dick in church today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
